Sunday, August 12, 2012

So, Let us talk about Cows

It is 00:02 at midnight, I have just woken up from sleep; and in this orderly world of darkness, and generally agreed to “Ungodly hour”, it is time to begin The Really Long Cow Debate.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world:
  1. Who love cows (enough to worship them)
  2. Who hate cows (enough to eat them up)
  3. Who don’t feel much about them (These people are kinda lazy and disinterested as far as cows are concerned)

The COW LOVERS

For the people who love them, their hearts beat for the cows and when they see them on the streets in such a dilapidated condition, they cannot hold back their tears.

They feel that the cows, such noble creatures that they are, have the right to live with dignity and consider it the duty of the respective government/Municipal Corporation in power to provide suitable accommodation and means of livelihood for the cows.
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The COW HATERS

The people who hate cows, however, have a different train of thought. Watching a cow on the street drives them mad.

Yours truly has had the fortune of witnessing one such cow-hater chasing a cow on his bike, while beating it with a stick, laughing maniacally as if the purpose of his existence had at last been fulfilled; and the poor creature running for dear life.

Yours truly, in fact, has also been witness to a cow chasing after the same “man on bike”, and the guy (obviously an adrenaline junkie) speeding on for dear life. This incident shows that the feelings of cow-haters are reciprocated by the cows in equal measure.

The COWNIBALS [a different form of cow-haters(as the cows say)]

Then, there are others, let us say “cownibals”, in whose minds the first thing to pop up on seeing a cow on street is Beef, which as yours truly has been told by some concerned cows, makes them feel very uneasy...and the cows insisted that such people be categorized as cow-haters instead of cow-lovers, as in their own words,"Love without soul (the dead cow’s soul, in this case) is lust, and mad lust directed towards another species can be construed as to be some form of hatred."

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The AUTHOR STRAYS OFF TOPIC AND GLORIFIES HIMSELF AS A HERO (Yeah, I am sort of mad and restless inside; and yes, I am kind of a hero to the cows)

Now, you may ask, how is it that he can talk to cows and we can’t?

Well, I have an answer to that. You see, I am the Harry Potter of the Dr. Dolittle universe.

On a bright, sunny day (since Dr. Dolittle isn’t your average evil Dark Lord who chooses a dark, rainy night and gloomy and inconvenient site conditions to execute their evil plans), when the evil, dark (I am not being racist here) Dr. Dolittle attacked but failed to eliminate me, all his powers were transferred to me.

Since, they rarely speak, and do so only in moments of extreme emotion, while talking to cows, you have to pay particular attention to their facial expressions.

You can judge by a cow’s face if it is an intense cow or a happy-go-lucky cow; if it is just roaming about or out to kill somebody.

You also must pay particular attention to the teeth, if they ever do allow you to see them; the grinding of teeth may imply “seething with rage” or intense stomach-ache; while a tension-free “Battisi” means it is just plain happy.

But let us not distract ourselves and move onto the next kind.

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The NEUTRAL GUYS

The Third kind, the neutral guys, doesn’t spend their day thinking about cows. Some have in fact been known to be so neutral as to deny the very existence of cows and end up walking into those invisible things.
However, these guys are still humans. Some love cars, others bikes and claim that cows take up the space on the street which does not leave anything for their BMWs and Hayabusas.

They say that the government should draft clear and concise policies for all living, non-living, real or imaginary things on the road. That everything should be at its rightful place and that they do not feel that road/street is an appropriate place for a cow, if the said creature so exists.


But ask any one category of people; Do they like it when some random guy parks the cows off at the very centre of the street for the above three categories to exercise their franchise?

The answer is a vehement NO.

Alas, this is the sad reality for most of India.

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The AUTHOR'S DAILY ADVENTURE (Can only be witnessed on weekdays and an occasional weekend, since the author is lazy and sleeps a lot on weekends)

It becomes kind of an adventure sport, where you have to dodge the hurdles in the form of cows, buffalos, bikes, cars, and that random guy or gal who doesn’t seem to see you and intends to walk right through you.

The barking dog with whom one has to play a game of staring while the creature is shouting away angrily at you as if it had just executed the deeds for that part of real-estate and figures one may end up littering it.

And then there is all the excretion! It is as if the cow, such a devious creature that it is, must have spent the whole night working out algorithms to find which exact place to plant the symbol of its eternal presence.

And when, in your blind happiness, walking to office with a song on your lips, you end up stepping on this eternal symbol of the cow, you begin to doubt, is the universe really that big? Is entropy really that big an issue or is it all planned out way ahead by an immensely naughty kid staring at the ant-farm like earth with mirth and glee.

Mind the NUTSHELL

In a nutshell, a humble request to that random guy who parks them off in the street every morning, kindly park your vehicles (which happen to be cows in this case) in a garage at your home if you do not intend to ride them during daytime.